When a Parent is Grieving the Loss of a Child

The parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful relationships a person will ever experience. Parents who have lost a child will often feel that a part of them has died. The despair and pain that follow a child’s death is thought by many to exceed all other experiences. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children and no parent is prepared for a child’s death.

The length of a child's life does not determine the size of the loss. Parents are intimately involved in the daily lives of young children, and their child’s death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving an enormous emptiness. Parents may be less involved in the everyday lives of older children and adolescents, but death at this age occurs just when children are beginning to reach their potential and become independent individuals. When an adult child dies, parents not only lose a child, but often a close friend, a link to grandchildren, and an irreplaceable source of emotional and practical support. Parents who lose an only child also lose their identity as parents, and perhaps the possibility of grandchildren.

When any child dies, parents grieve the loss of possibilities and all of the hopes and dreams they had for their child. They grieve the potential that will never be realized and the experiences they will never share. When a child dies, a part of the future dies along with them.

Common grief reactions

Grief reactions following the death of a child are similar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and last longer. Parents commonly experience the following grief reactions:

• Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial ~ even if the child's death was expected


• Overwhelming sadness and despair, so bad that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible


• Extreme guilt ~ some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child's protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently


• Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled


• Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting their surviving children


• Feelings of resentment toward parents with healthy children


• Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join the deceased child


• Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs ~ assumptions about the world and how things should be do not fit with the reality of a child's death


• Dreaming about the child or feeling the child's presence nearby


• Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people—parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others and that no one can truly understand how they feel

Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year, but this is not true. The initial severe reactions are not experienced continuously with such intensity but rather with periods of intense grief that come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain.

Developmental milestones in the lives of other children can trigger emotions of grief even years after a child's death. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common grief triggers. Parents frequently find themselves thinking about how old their child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if he or she were still alive.

 Differences in grieving between mother and father

Mothers and fathers may grieve in different ways. One parent may find talking helps, while the other may need quiet time to grieve alone. Cultural expectations and role differences also affect how men and women grieve. Men are often expected to control their emotions, to be strong, and to take charge of the family. Women may be expected to cry openly and to want to talk about their grief. A working father may become more involved in his job to escape the sadness and daily reminders at home. A stay-at-home mother may be surrounded by constant reminders and may feel she lacks a purpose now that her job as caregiver has abruptly ended. This is especially true for a parent who spent months or even years caring for a child with cancer.

Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that a lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less. It is important for parents to talk openly about their grief and for each parent to understand and accept the other's coping style.

Helping siblings who are grieving

Parents are the focus of attention when a child dies and the grief of siblings is sometimes overlooked. The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss for a child ~ they lose a family member, a confidant, and a life-long friend. Parents are often preoccupied with the needs of a sick child and then become overwhelmed with their own grief when the child dies. The surviving siblings may misinterpret the parents’ grief as a message that they are not as valued as much as the child who died. Parents may be able to help siblings during this time of grief by:

• Making grief a shared family experience and including children in discussions about memorial plans.


• Spending as much time as possible with the surviving children, such as talking about the deceased child, just playing together, or doing something enjoyable.


• Making sure siblings understand that they are not responsible for the child's death and help them let go of regrets and guilt.


• Never compare siblings to the deceased child and make sure children know that you don't expect them to “fill in” for the deceased child.


• Set reasonable limits on their behavior, but try not to be either overprotective or overly permissive. It is normal to feel protective of surviving children.


• Ask a close family member or friend to spend extra time with siblings if your own grief prevents you from giving them the attention they need.

Helping yourself grieve

As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. Some parents have found the following suggestions helpful while grieving:

• Talk about your child often and use his or her name.


• Ask family and friends for help with housework, errands, and taking care of other children. This will give you important time to think, remember, and grieve.


• Take time deciding what to do with your child's belongings ~ don't rush to pack up your child's room or to give away toys and clothes.


• Prepare ahead of time for how to respond to difficult questions like "How many children do you have?" or comments like "At least you have other children."Remember that people aren't trying to hurt you, rather they just don't know what to say.


• Prepare for how you want to spend significant days, such as your child's birthday or the anniversary of your child’s death. You may want to spend the day looking at photos and sharing memories or start a family tradition such as planting flowers.


• Because of the intensity and isolation of parental grief, parents may especially benefit from a support group where they can share their experiences with other parents who understand their grief and can offer hope.

Finding the meaning of life

• Parents report that they never really “get over” the death of a child, but rather learn to live with the loss. The death of a child may compel parents to rethink their priorities and reexamine the meaning of life. It may seem impossible to newly grieving parents, but parents do go on to find happiness and reinvest in life again. An important step for many parents is to create a legacy for their child Parents may choose to honor their child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization. Or, parents may work to support interests their child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in their child’s memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to the deceased child to re-engage in life and to find pleasure in new experiences.

• Every child changes the lives of his or her parents. Children show us new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways look to at the world. A part of each child’s legacy is that the changes he or she brings to a family continue after the child's death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be part of you.

When a Parent is Grieving the Loss of a Child

A Homecoming With Only 1 Twin

Tiny feet

That should be taking baby steps

Instead left

Giant Footprints

Embedded in my heart.

Matching Feet

Now walking, take their baby steps

Alone.

They should have walked together

But only one will blaze a trail

His trailhead marked by

Giant Footprints

Left there by his stillborn twin, 

Buried wombmate memories that linger deep within.

-By Elizabeth A. Pector M.D.

I write this blog post not from being in the shoes of a parent who has faced this tragedy. I have identical twin girls, who were born prematurely, but are now 21 months old. They are healthy and living life together here and now. However, since I am a mom of twins, I do share that perspective with moms who have lost a twin. I share how it feels to grow 2 babies, how if feels to deliver 2 babies, to hold 2 babies. I share the feeling of seeing baby A emerge into this world followed shortly behind by baby B. Although, the part of our story that we share may be very short-it is that part of the story that is miraculous. It is a true gift unlike anything else. For any mother of twins...they know what I am talking about.

For this post I have tried to imagine what it might have been like to deal with the birth of 2 babies, the death of 1, and our eventual homecoming with a singleton. That is no easy task. I cried at the thought, but I pulled myself together because this post needed to be written for the moms out there who have been given this reality. We have a handful of members who it has happened to and there are countless others who exist. At first I wanted to write this post to give you resources, coping mechanisms, and stress relievers. However, when I sat down the thought of that last sentence sounded shallow and cold. I am not saying that all three of those things are not necessities, I just feel that being a twin mom myself what I would want more than anything would first be an understanding from others about what my thoughts and feelings were. An understanding to let me be until I was ready for stress relief, coping mechanisms, and resources. Let me sit in my sadness and my joy. Let me sit somewhere in the middle of life and death, because that is exactly where I am. 

I imagine being torn in half and ripped apart, and having to face each day that lay ahead with a precious baby who will no doubt feel my conflicting emotions of joy, anger, and grief on a daily basis. What would help me the most to face each day without my other twin? How would I cope, how could I, do I even want to try and cope? For each mom the answers to those questions will be different and will be dealt with at different times. It depends on so many elements. It depends on your personality type, your faith, your support, your husband, your family, your friends. How they treat the situation. How they help you to keep your lost twin alive. How much you pray. If you seek counseling. If you seek medication. The list is endless, it is ever changing, it is infinite. How you cope will be a battle you face for the rest of your life. It will never go away. You will never be the mom of a singleton, no matter how many people treat you as such.

As one article states, "Going home from the hospital with one baby is perhaps the first time that parents will begin to realize the full extent of what has happened. It can be a lonely mixture of joy and relief and also intense sadness. It can also be a major step along the way to realizing that indeed one of your twins has died. You may find it difficult to understand your conflicting emotions - joy and relief of one twin and a complete sadness and loss of another baby. In addition to your intense grief, you may feel very let down. As a parent expecting twins, you may have been the focus of admiration. Suddenly, the prestige is gone."

One of the most common human reactions to the death of a child is to avoid or underestimate the loss, even if it is unintentional. I hear this often from the moms who are part of our angel group and have experienced a singleton loss. They long to hear their baby's name, for people to ask questions about their baby, for people to keep their memory alive. Yet that does not come naturally for many people. It is uncomfortable for them and so instead of facing that head on many choose to ignore or avoid your loss. It seems the easier road is to just not talk about it and unfortunately by doing that they are only making the pain and healing harder on the parent who is actually experiencing the loss. For a parent who loses a twin I imagine this experience with others to be even worse. After all at least when you have twins you still have a baby who will smile, laugh, and make it even easier for the passerby, friend, or family member to act as though every thing is okay. You are doing okay. After all you have to be happy...you are a new mom! 

For me in my imaginary tragedy, I think the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that my twin, who is alive on this earth with me, is also in some way feeling the loss that I am. I know that is is very different but it does exist. I am comforted in knowing that we will share that loss forever. It will never go away for either of us. I will always be a twin mom and my son or daughter will always have a twin sister or brother. That fact would bring me comfort. They were in my womb together sharing the tightest of living quarters, sharing food, sharing oxygen, growing together, sharing me for months. The three of us. They feel the loss too. I know full well that if my twin girls did not have each other they would not be the same, they would feel something wasn't right, they would know. So I imagine bonding over the loss with my twin I will share the rest of my life with. Maybe that sounds sad, but it is sad. That is the truth. I have to figure out how I can go on each day and find joy with my twin who is alive, so that they can grow up healthy and loved. If finding joy in our common loss is how I can grieve the loss of my twin and celebrate the life of my living twin then that is my answer...at least for today. I know their grief journey will be a very different one than mine, but I have peace in knowing that my living twin will know of his or her twinship as they grow up. I find comfort in knowing that I will be the one to teach them about twins and their sister or brother, and that one day they....we....will all reunite again in heaven. 

So now for some actual words from parents who have lost a twin: 

I encourage you to read this article where 4 families who have experienced the loss of a twin are interviewed. It is one of the best articles I found when researching for this topic as it explains in depth some of the feelings these parents face first hand. 

Now to the necessary ways to cope:

This is a list compiled from my research, my own past experiences with loss and grief, and from what I have learned from my angel parent friends. Please as always feel free to comment below with more coping techniques.

Read

Research books on amazon, at the book store, or at the library until you find a few that call out to you. The right books have a way of finding you. There are also Internet articles, websites, and blogs devoted to twin loss.

Prayer, church, and visiting with spiritual, supportive, and prayerful people 

Find a face to face support group with people who have similar experiences

Join an online message board or angel group

We have one on facebook just visit the following link and ask to be added to our angel group. This is great for interaction at any time of the day or night with people who can relate.

Find a simple pleasure to enjoy

Like going to Starbucks to get a coffee, finding something on you tube you know will make you laugh, or finding a sitcom that is "light, fluffy, and funny" that you love. Playing a game on your phone, baking, knitting, listening to music, etc.

Don't numb your feelings

Don't numb your emotions by shutting out the world, and denying your pain. Accept your pain, embrace it, feel it, and work through it.

Know this isn't the end

Believe that your child always surrounds you, and though you may not be able to see or hear him, he’s always there, and in your darkest hours, you will feel him or her near.  If you don’t shut them out, your angels, will give you signs, little things to let you know, they are near and haven’t left you. You will see your loved one again one day. Hope, faith, and love, is boundless & important,  in life and in death.

Cry & Laugh 

Both are irreplaceable outlets for emotion 

If you need to seek professional help seek it

There are grief counselors, christian counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists. Do not allow the feelings of others on the subject of professional help to influence your decision to seek help. 

Create a way to remember your child 

One of our angel moms planted a peach tree in her daughter's memory. Find a special song, create a memory book. Attend a memorial gathering once per year - here you will share your loss with others and honor your child's memory. October 15th is a national day for infant and pregnancy loss remembrance day. Find a gathering near you at this website http://www.october15th.com/

Resources on the web

www.climb-support.org

This website is filled with personal stories, inspiration, and more for parents who have experienced a multiples loss of some kind.

http://www.synspectrum.com/articles.html

Articles and lecture handouts on multiple birth, prematurity, loss, and other topics. Written by Elizabeth A. Pector, M.D.

http://www.twinlesstwins.org/HOME.aspx

This website is for twinless twins but has many great articles for grieving parents of twins as well and how to deal with having a twinless twin.

http://wombtwin-survivors.blogspot.com/2011/02/chapter-13-my-child-is-womb-twin.html

This website/blog is devoted to womb twin survivors. This group includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion, and a vanishing twin pregnancy.

http://www.theapostolateofhannahstears.blogspot.com/

A prayerful christian blog site devoted to child loss, infertility, and adoption.

INSPIRATION 

http://www.northjersey.com/shopping/127647228_Tova_Gold_s_accessories_pay_tribute_to_twin_loss.html

A Homecoming With Only 1 Twin

Waiting on Wednesday: Carrier of the Mark by Leigh Fallon

Waiting on Wednesday recognizes that we as bookies pine for books. This post is about what I am impatiently waiting for right now. It was started by Jill at Breaking the Spine.



Carrier of the Mark by Leigh Fallon is due to come out on October 4th. I am positively salivating to read this book. I love books set in Ireland & this oozes of a powerful mystery that I revel in. Read on:

Their love was meant to be.

When Megan Rosenberg moves to Ireland, everything in her life seems to fall into place. After growing up in America, she's surprised to find herself feeling at home in her new school. She connects with a group of friends, and she is instantly drawn to darkly handsome Adam DeRís.

But Megan is about to discover that her feelings for Adam are tied to a fate that was sealed long ago—and that the passion and power that brought them together could be their ultimate destruction.

From Goodreads

I know you're probably thinking that this sounds a lot like Angelfire and Falling Under that I was only lukewarm about. While I think they have some characteristics in common, I think that this one might be more up my alley. I seem to have become more particular in my reading tastes lately & Carrier of the Mark just seems to fit the bill a little better than these others. What do you think? What are you waiting on this week?

Waiting on Wednesday: Carrier of the Mark by Leigh Fallon

Scentsy Fundraiser benefiting Preemie Prints

Hello Friends of Preemie Prints. My name is Sarah and I am a volunteer photographer for this remarkable organization. I am also a Scentsy Independent Consultant who is more than honored to announce a Preemie Prints Scentsy Fundraiser. I am donating 100% of my commissions from the fundraiser to Preemie Prints; my goal is to raise $600 so I need your help. The fundraiser starts September 1 and runs through September 23, please feel free to send the link to friends and family or anyone who would love to support Preemie Prints.

powered by:
Easy Fundraising

For those who are new to Scentsy, they are wickless candles and so much more. Scentsy offer three sizes of unique warmers: plug-in, medium and large. There are over 80 scents to choose from so there is definitely a smell for everyone. The new Fall/Winter scents are available September 1st. If you need help in narrowing down a scent, let me know and I can help. They also carry scents on the go: Scentsy Buddy, Solid Fragrance, Travel Tin, Scent Pak and Scent Circle. Scentsy makes a great gift for teachers, house warming, Christmas, birthdays, just because or for you. If you love candles, you will love Scentsy!

I am very excited to offer an additional way to support Preemie Prints as well as the children of the Ronald McDonald House in Houston. Starting September 1, Scentsy is introducing their first Charitable Cause Scentsy Buddy, Sasha, whose net proceeds benefit Ronald McDonald House Charities. Scentsy Buddies are adorable plush animal friends with a zippered scent pocket to hold a Scent Pak fragrance. Please consider purchasing a $30 Sasha bear to be directly donated to a child at the Ronald McDonald House of Houston. To do this simply click on the Paypal link and donate $31 to Preemie Prints (the extra $1 is to cover Paypal transaction fee); we will purchase a Sasha Scentsy Buddy on your behalf and donate them at the end of the month. Not only does Preemie Prints get over $6 for each Sasha purchase, a child will receive this great gift to hug and love on during their time of need – plus it is a 100% tax write off.

Start shopping now, please visit sarahalyse.scentsy.us and be sure to buy under Preemie Prints Fundraiser Party. Please be sure to visit the Scentsy Fundraiser benefiting Preemie Prints Facebook Event's Page for fundraiser updates. Thank you for your support, Sarah

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Scentsy Fundraiser benefiting Preemie Prints

Qualicum Beach Smiling Rock

I was visiting Qualicum Beach this weekend and someone put this rock down on the beach path. It put a smile on my face. Thank-you – whoever you are!

 
PATRICIA GRAY INC is an award winning interior design firm writing about lifestyle and
WHAT'S HOT in the world of interior design, architecture, art and travel.
2011 © Patricia Gray | Interior Design Blog™

Qualicum Beach Smiling Rock

Bright Young Things by Anna Godbersen review

It's 1929, do you know who you're getting your liquor from? It's probably from one of the dapper men & their socialite wives/girlfriends that you dream about one day being. For Cordelia & Letty, that is exactly the case.



The two girls are enchanted by the big lights they've heard about in New York City & decide to head out of their Midwestern home to search out what each is looking for in life. For Cordelia, she is searching for the father she has always missed, but never known. She has his name & her love-struck, deceased mother's memories to help her. Little does she know, the man she is seeking is none other than one of the most influential men in the bootlegging business. It turns out he's missed the daughter he never knew about just as much as the son he raised himself. Cordelia finds herself settling into this luxurious life, but is worried about the danger and the cost.



Letty is destined for stardom or she hopes at least. The girl is determined to see her name in flashing lights on Broadway. What she settles for, just to get started she thinks, is living with three other cigarette girls who work in a local club. On a lark one night she decides to get on stage & really show the crowd what she's got. This garners her two admirers, one who is interested in her purely for herself & another who has other ideas. Letty must decide who to trust because depending on her choice, she may lose her chance to be who she's always wanted to become.



These girls are just getting started and have a long way to go before they'll find their own ways, but only time will tell just how far they'll go to get what they want out of life.



Bright Young Things is written much in the same style as Godbersen's wildly-popular Luxe series. We are following two main female characters as they interact & navigate the changing world around them, while a third female manages to become an important person to both female leads all on her own.



I enjoyed the changing perspective as well as the lush setting. Nothing can quite compare to the roaring 1920's with the ambiance, parties, & experiences that are exclusive to the time period. Godbersen continues her incredible ability to weave an alluring setting with exacting detail. The seedy clubs, lavish parties & picturesque homes aren't spared at all. One can truly imagine it all laid out in front.



I found it a little harder to get a handle on the main characters. It's not that they were unsympathetic, but they just seemed so distant. I felt like we were really getting to know them as they were discovering themselves. Normally this kind of thing appeals to me, but in such a historical setting it didn't lend itself quite so well. I thought the girls would feel well0established then get the rug pulled out from under them, but this was just... different.



There were also three very different experiences that kind of overlap one another that caused a bit of confusion for me. While Cordelia was ushered into a lifestyle that Astrid was accustomed to, Letty was living as a starving artist. While they intermingled with some of the same locations, they all had divergent interactions that left me feeling a bit befuddled.



None of this is to say that it is a bad book, it is far from it. Godbersen has done a fine job & I am eagerly awaiting the September 20th release of Bright Days. I think that this book requires an attentive mind frame that I was lacking at the time, but that I fully intend on having engaged when I read the sequel.



Anyone else feel a little off-kilter with this one or was I just reading too much into it?

Bright Young Things by Anna Godbersen review

Music Therapy

Music Therapy in Neonatal Intensive Care

At a time when babies are usually growing and developing in their mother’s womb, premature infants are exposed to the busy medical environment of the neonatal intensive care unit and commonly endure painful treatments and procedures. The critical process of neurological development that takes place during the 3rd trimester is usually delayed due to the stress these infants experience in the NICU. Through specific research based techniques, music therapy has been proven successful in increasing premature infants’ tolerance to stimulation resulting in faster weight gain and a decreased length of stay. There are 2 main treatments music therapy uses in the NICU. The first is multimodal stimulation. This treatment is to help increase each baby’s tolerance to different types of stimulation in the NICU. Using live lullaby music sung with classical guitar accompaniment, the music therapist administers 3 different types of stimulation – auditory, tactile (massage) and vestibular (rocking). Through this process, each baby learns to tolerate the different sounds in the NICU as well as being touched and held. The second treatment is using a device called the PAL or Pacifier Activated Lullaby and is used with preemies who are having a hard time feeding. This machine helps to teach preemies the suck, swallow, breath reflex needed when being bottle fed using music as a reward each time the baby sucks. As a result, these babies gain weight and leave the hospital faster.

http://www.floridahospitalforchildren.com/en/specialties-and-programs/pediatric-music-therapy

Music Therapy

HOPE in the NICU

“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world. Someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”   ~Tom Bodett

If you have a baby (or babies) in the NICU, then you have all 3 of these things. 

Scripture even tells us:  “And thou shalt be secure because there is hope.”  (Job 11:18).

Hope is what sometimes gets you through the hard days and keeps you going even when it doesn’t seem like you have anything left to give.  But, you still may have to wait because some things take time. Remember…..“Patience is the art of Hoping.”  ~Vauvenargues 

Hope these words encourage you this week….as you wait and hope!

HOPE in the NICU

Apgar Scores

Apgar Scores

The very first test given to your newborn, the Apgar score, occurs right after your baby's birth in the delivery or birthing room. The test was designed to quickly evaluate a newborn's physical condition after delivery, and to determine any immediate need for extra medical or emergency care. 

Although the Apgar score was developed in 1952 by an anesthesiologist named Virginia Apgar, you may have also heard it referred to as an acronym for: Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration.

The Apgar test is always given to your baby a minimum of 2 times: once at 1 minute after birth, and again at 5 minutes after birth. Rarely - if there are serious problems with the baby's condition and the first two scores are low - the test may be scored for a third time at 10 minutes after birth.  See Kids Health to learn more about this topic

Apgar Scores

Infant Massage

Infant Massage

happier and healthier baby!Infant massage can help baby sleep better,
advance thier development and may raise IQ!
Infant massage may
relieve colic,
teething, constipation and nasal congestion.The benefits don't stop there.
Providing massage to baby helps to relax the caregiver.
Infant massage gives that special bonding time for
all involved.

How do you feel after a long, relaxing back rub? Pretty good, right? Well,

not only is your touch very soothing to your baby, but giving your baby a

massage can actually make you BOTH feel better! A certified infant massage

instructor joined us recently to tell us about all the benefits of infant

massage. Although infant massage has been an important part of parenting in

other countries, it has only begun to be accepted in the U.S. since the

early 1980s. Studies have shown that systematically touching your baby, skin

to skin, for as little as 12 minutes a day can offer many benefits. Not only

do the babies gain weight faster, but their neurological connections

actually improve and they are able to process input better!



You don't even have to devote a solid twelve minutes each day to massage

you could do it for two minutes six times a day if that is more convenient

for you. The important thing is that you are both relaxed, and that the

touch is skin to skin. In other words, pay attention to your baby's cues to

see if your baby is receptive at that time, and don't try to massage your

baby through a shirt or pajamas.  Also, some babies get really sleepy after

a massage while others become wide awake, so you may want to keep that in

mind before attempting a late night massage for the first time.



While infant massage is beneficial to all babies, it is especially good for

preemies and other children who are hypersensitive. These are the babies who

don't normally like to be touched or held, or don't like dirt on their skin,

or sand between their toes, or who are constantly being irritated by their

clothes. You'll definitely have to be patient and pay close attention to

their reaction to massages, but you are almost assured to see improvement in

their level of hypersensitivity. While doing a massage on these babies, try

to keep other sensory input to a minimum. In other words, don't have the TV

on or music playing, don't talk, and you may even want to avoid direct eye

contact during the massage.



When you're ready to try a massage, the first thing to do is to ask your

baby if he would like a massage. This may sound silly, but once your baby

realizes what a massage is they will usually let you know if they're ready

for one. Pay attention to them! Do they look away? They're probably not

interested. Do they maintain eye contact, or as they get older, maybe even

smile or lift their usual starting leg, you can probably assume that they're

ready to begin!  It is usually better to begin with the legs (one at a

time), then the arms (one at a time), and eventually work your way up to

their trunk and face.. Use a firm, but gentle pressure.



Preemies, or other babies who have spent time in the hospital, may be

especially sensitive to having their feet touched (thanks to all the heel

sticks they've experiences). If so, you can try massaging only the tops of

their feet, or avoid the feet altogether.



Here is a very brief description of what a massage may be like. Remember

if they let you know that they don't like a particular motion, stop doing

that particular motion.



Starting at the thigh, use a whole hand motion to stroke the entire length

of one leg from thigh to ankle.



Next, using a very light "Indian rub" motion (squeeze and twist), massage

the same leg from thigh to ankle



Eventually moving onto the top of their foot and their toes.



After a few minutes, begin massaging the foot and move toward the hip and

back toward the foot.



Finish off the "body part" (in this case, the leg) by lightly stroking the

entire leg with your fingertips. This stroking will signal that you're all

finished with that part of their body.



After completing steps 1-5 on the first leg, if baby seems receptive you can

move on to the other leg. Repeat the same five steps, and then lightly

stroke both legs with your fingertips to signal "all done with your legs."



If you'd like, you can then move on to do similar motions on first one arm,

then the other, and then onto their trunk and face. That's all there is to

it!  Well, not really, but that is "the Reader's Digest" version of it. To

learn more, look for one of the growing number of how-to books and videos on

the market.

-This article was taken from a certified infant massage therapist. I liked it because of the focus on preemies. We are trying to schedule a certified therapist for our upcoming Houston meeting and will broadcast that Live on our Preemie Prints livestream channel. If you would like to attend this live event please email amber@preemieprints.org.

Infant Massage

Help bring Monica of Bibliophilic Book Blog home!

I have to say that I am very happy to be part of such a wonderfully supportive community that really pulls together to make things happen. And while I don't normally do these kinds of things, Monica really deserves some help.



I'm here to bring you up to speed on what's happening with one of our very own. Monica of Bibliophilic Book Blog is in the Armed Forces & is currently stationed in South Korea. Due to unavoidable circumstances (i.e. her unit taking a ridiculously LONG TIME to officially approve her leave) she may be stuck in-country for her leave. She's even trying to sell her beloved iMac in order to get home. Plane tickets are now costing around $1600 & that's just not laying around because she used most of her savings to pay the vet bill when her cat almost died. Monica just can't seem to catch a break.



In order to get home for some well-deserved R&R Monica is asking that anyone who can spare anything to help her out. Times are tough all around, but I believe in our community. I have seen amazing things happen in short amounts of time & I really think we can do this. Her leave is from Sept 8-22, so the sooner we get started the better!

To donate you can send money via Paypal to meaghanstevens@gmail.com. This is Meaghan at A Book Worm's Haven's Paypal since Monica's isn't working. She trusts Meaghan implicitly.

Help bring Monica of Bibliophilic Book Blog home!

10 Things to do in New York in the Summertime

1. Sit on the grass roof terrace at Lincoln Center. This stylish sloping green lawn is situated on top of a restaurant at the recently remodelled Lincoln Center and overlooks Lincoln Center’s reflecting pool and Henry Moore sculpture. The night I was there was a perfect summer night and the bonus was it was a full moon which hung in the sky with the city scape of New York below it. I had a hard time leaving.

2. Visit Vicente Wolf. I met Vicente when he was in Vancouver this Spring and he invited me to drop in and see him when I next in New York. He showed me around his office and then his showroom which is packed with treasures that he purchases on his yearly trips to exotic locations.


3. See a play in the theatre district. This time I saw Wicked at the Gershwin Theatre. It is the story of the Wizard of Oz long before Dorothy drops in, and the relationship of the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good Witch. It was a great show. Be sure to dress up and have a nice dinner before the theatre, as I think it makes the experience all the more special.

                                        A close-up picture I took of the curtain before the show started
4. Have dinner at:
La Esquina in Soho 
You have to walk down a flight of stairs and through the kitchen to get to the restaurant. Book well in advance as it is very popular. It is the best Mexican food I have had outside of Mexico. I was told by a friend to try the deep fried Crickets. I was happy when I was told that they were no longer on the menu so I didn’t have to lie and say I had them. They also have a selection of over 200 premium tequilas. The waiters wore red t-shirts with ‘SEXICO’ on the front. 

Le Colonial in the Upper East Side
The ambiance of French Colonial Vietnam (Indo Chine) of the 1920’s has been recreated in this two storey townhouse, decorated with black and white period photos, ceiling fans, lush potted palms. I had one of their signature dishes - Vietnamese crisp-seared whole red snapper with a light, spicy and sour sauce. Yummm!

5. Have lunch at Bergdorf Goodman’s restaurant, decorated by Kelly Wearstler and overlooking Central Park. 

6. Shop, shop, shop
My favourite street is Madison. I start at Barneys at 61st and walk up to 70th and then down 70th to visit one of the most beautiful galleries in New York - the Frick, with a stop at the Nespresso Boutique between 65th & 66th for an Iced Latte and the best quiche outside of Paris. This trip I also “did Soho” and discovered some new stores:

7. Walk Central Park South East
I never knew this pond was here in Central Park. As we were walking back to our Hotel after our shop, shop, shop afternoon, I saw the trail lead into Central Park – you enter off of 5th Ave and 60th Street. In a few short moments we were transported into another world – a perfect escape from the hustle and bustle of the city. It is situated below street level, and  the noises of the city are left behind. We were able to walk through the lush park almost all the way back to our Hotel. 

8. Visit Francine at Interieurs. Francine is a friend of mine that I met through the Blogosphere. One of the highlights of my visits to New York is to visit her at her wonderful store and then go out to dinner together. Francine has one of the most outstanding roof decks in all of New York where she hosts many parties in the summer. There is never enough time to catch up on everything. She is busy working out with a personal trainer to prepare herself for climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in September.

9. Have drinks at the Empire Hotel which is where Gossip Girls is filmed and has the official drink Cocktail List of the ‘Gossip Girls’ TV show with catchy names like: I’m Chuck Bass – Dewar’s Scotch, Red Apple, Ginger Bites and Apple Cider. You can read the Cocktail list here.

10. Visit MoMA
Get there early especially if you go on the weekend. We arrived at 10:30 on Sunday morning with a short line-up and by the time we left at 12:30 the line-up outside was down the street and around the corner. I head up to the top floor (and work my way down) to see my favourite painting – Monet’s Water Lilies which I could feast my eyes on forever. It is an amazing 42 feet in length. Tip: This trip I purchased a membership which is very cost effective and means you don’t have to stand in a line-up.

PATRICIA GRAY INC is an award winning interior design firm writing about lifestyle and
WHAT'S HOT in the world of interior design, architecture, art and travel.
2011 © Patricia Gray | Interior Design Blog™

10 Things to do in New York in the Summertime

The First Days by Rhiannon Frater review

Jenni only thought her husband couldn't become any worse a human being. She thought wrong. After being bitten the night before, Jenni's husband is turned into one of the undead & decides to make a meal of his family. Barely escaping with her own life, Jenni is rescued by lesbian, lawyer Katie in a pick-up truck. Katie too has lost all that she has after her wife become one of the undead. As the women get to know one another they start to comprehend the reality of the situation they face. The infected are dying & then coming back to life and the government is the last group you want to listen to.

On their way out of an over-populated city (soon to be teeming with the undead) they stop for supplies in a rural town. They manage to hole-up with the sweet old married couple who just happen to own the guns & ammo shop while planning their reconnaissance mission to save Jenni's camping-in-the-woods stepson. With renewed strength & spirit the women vow to keep in touch with the couple & save as many as they can because the only way out of the whole mess is through it. If they just keep running, maybe they can outrun the pain of all that they've lost, but at what cost to those who remain?

The First Days is a remarkably stark look at what could be considered a realistic reaction to a zombie apocalypse. Two ordinary women manage to cobble together an existence that allows them to hope for a future while surviving the present. Even better was the fact that this book was set in Texas. Now that may not sound like much, but it's like saying a book takes place in the South, there are mannerisms & societal norms that lend themselves to having a zombia apocalypse book set there.

The book's chapters were broken down into mini-chapters like one would expect to see of a book that was originally released in serial format. The narrator didn't change with every mini-chapter or even every chapter which made it a nice surprise when we shifted perspective. The characters were each unique adding their own personal experience to the situation they wound up in. Even better was how the characters ended up where they were when they met & assisted other survivors. The interactions with local drug dealers, old girlfriends & the founding members of the community really lent a sense of realism to the story.

While there were several editing errors that could have easily been fixed with a little more attention, the story itself was rather engaging & terrifying. This was the first zombie book that I've read & I definitely believe it won't be the last! Give it a shot & let me know what you think!

The First Days by Rhiannon Frater review

Didja Know: Part II

Everett Sloane, Joe Cotten, and Orson Welles cook up a plot in Citizen Kane.

Didja notice Orson's fake schoz? He wore them often, because he thought his

own nose was too small and demure.

Chapter Two of Random Factoids: enjoy!


The Real Rosebud

The great mystery of Orson Welles's Citizen Kane was the elusive "Rosebud." After all the ensuing drama, the character recollections, and the unwrapping of a complicated past, the last word of Charles Foster Kane is revealed as the name of his boyhood sled (left). When the bulk of Kane is whittled down, the audience is left to see that this small seed from a lost childhood is responsible for the maladjusted growth of the mammoth CFK. However, behind the scenes, there too was much controversy surrounding Rosebud. For years-- as the plot of the film was based at least in template on the life of William Randolph Hearst-- it has been gossiped that "Rosebud" was actually the nickname that Hearst prescribed to his mistress Marion Davies's nether regions. While this could quite possibly have been a fortunate (or rather unfortunate) coincidence, the truth is much simpler. Citizen Kane was the brainchild of Welles brought to life by the writing talents of friend Herman Mankiewicz. As such, pieces from both of these men's private lives found their way into the film, such as Orson naming one of the characters "Bernstein" after his mother's lover, Dr. Maurice Bernstein. The true Rosebud was similarly contrived: Orson received a sled from his beloved Todd School upon his graduation, marking the true end of his childhood-- not that he ever indulged in its innocence or naivete-- and Mank', as Orson called him, had a bicycle when he was a boy that he named... "Rosebud." By uniting these two youthful memories, one of cinema's most referenced plot devices was born. If Ms. Davies too shared the moniker, which cannot be confirmed or denied, it was thus by complete happenstance.


Obie, Camera, Action!

Every great actress knows that  the real man to make friends with on the set is the cinematographer. Carole Lombard and Marlene Dietrich were both staunch students when it came to lighting and angles, and they always knew how to hit their mark to look their best. Merle Oberon would too get a little education in this arena. She, like Lombard, was in a near fatal car crash in 1937, which left her face scarred. After painful surgery and recuperation, she returned to the screen, but covering up the new blemishes on her face was a daunting task. Luckily, while filming the 1944 remake of The Lodger, (right) she fell in with cinematographer Lucien Ballard. Ballard worked diligently to create a camera light which, when placed directly beside the camera, shined light directly onto her face and eliminated the appearance of her scars. Appropriately, he named his invention after her: The Obie. In gratitude, Oberon promptly married Ballard and enjoyed a fruitful career. (Coincidentally her first husband was Alexander Korda, the ambitious English producer who tried and failed to make many projects with Star of the Month Orson Welles over the years, including War and Peace).


Great Faces, Greater Minds

On the subject of inventions... It comes as no surprise that many screen performers are multi-talented. Especially in the early days, one had to be particularly well-rounded to make it, so that he or she could be thrown into any role-- drama, musical, or comedy-- and come out swinging... or singing. However, we also have a crew of film stars that should be acknowledged not just for their physical gifts but for their mental proclivities. It turns out that some stars aren't only lookers, they're thinkers, innovators, and even... inventors??? Did you know that: the first film star, Florence Lawrence, invented an early form of the automobile turn signal? It was comprised of two arms, which, when signalled, would drop to indicate which way the driver was turning. She sadly did not obtain a patent and thus missed out on the cash reward of such a novel idea. Zeppo Marx too was a very interesting man. Always tinkering with gadgets, the ex-actor/sometimes agent became an engineer. He started the Marman Products Company, Inc. in 1941 and helped the war effort by producing clamping devices and straps. He also developed the first heart-rate pulse monitor! Perhaps the most shocking-- to those who don't think that beauty and brains can come in the same package-- Hedy Lamarr (left), who had been previously married to an arms merchant, used what she had gleaned from him to make an invention of her own. She created a "frequency hopping" device to be used with WWII torpedoes in order to avoid signal "jamming" by the enemy. Sadly, although she did obtain a patent, the US Military never put her invention to work. Still, she must have been proud to do her part.


Don't Let the Heels Fool Ya'

Ann Miller was one tough cookie in her youth. In addition to her great dancing talent, she too possessed a fierce determination. This created quite the ambitious young lady, and her great work ethic would serve her well in the industry. It definitely helped her grab gigs opposite both Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. In 1937, Ann was already chomping at the bit to get to work, and when she had the opportunity to work opposite Ginger Rogers in the film Stage Door she was willing to do whatever it took to do so... Including lie. Only 14-years-old, Ann fudged four extra years and made herself eighteen! Whether or not the big-wigs believed her is unknown, but then they were probably too distracted by her lengthy stems to notice any discrepancies. Thus, the lanky youngster got her way and was cast as "Annie." She proved her mettle again when she was given the chance to dance opposite Fred Astaire. She was ecstatic about working on the project Easter Parade with him, and was devastated when she suffered a severe back injury-- aka her husband at the time pushed her down the stairs. (Real gentleman, that one). This should have taken her out of the running, but Ann wasn't about to give up the chance to waltz with her hero (see right). So, she worked overtime to get in shape and had the doctors strap up her back for the dancing sequences. The process hurt like hell and often left her in tears, but when the camera is on you never see it. What a pro.


Call of the Wild

Sound engineers rarely get their due. Ever since the talkies came screaming in with their sounds, squeaks, and squeals, a whole new arm of the filmmaking body had to be born to carry the weight. It's not always as easy as "Roll sound, record dialogue." Creating the proper atmosphere within a film requires a mind sophisticated or creative enough to combine a variety of noises into an underlying track. It's like writing a often barely audible symphony. Some of this sonic tinkering is more obvious, such as in explosions, sirens, gun shots... or jungle howls??? Believe it or not, coming up with the now iconic yowl of Johnny Weismuller's Tarzan for 1932's Tarzan the Ape Man was no easy feat. Audience imagination previously had to interpret his animalistic battle cry for the 1918 silent film version, but the addition of the mic made things more complicated. The point was to make his cry distinctive without making it laughable; make it palatable to the ears without making it either too passive or too threatening. There have been many theories over the years as to how the mammalian screech was made, including combining Weismuller's voice with the growl of a dog, a soprano trill, a violin, and a hyena. But the simplest version may perhaps be the most true: Johnny screamed, Douglas Shearer recorded his voice, the yell was enhanced, and then played backward. So, when you hear Tarzan howling for his Jane (with Maureen O'Sullivan left), he's actually screaming in reverse! Who knew Tarzan was fluent in palindrome?

(Another interesting note on this infamous yell was Johnny Weismuller's ability to use it as a "get out of jail free" card. He claimed that during the time Castro was preparing to take over Cuba in 1959, he was traveling with friends through Havana on his way to a celebrity golf tournament. His car was ambushed by rebel soldiers, and the only way he could prove that he was neither Cuban nor a threat was to tell them he was an American movie star. To prove it, he let out his Tarzan howl. They recognized it and gave him safe passage).

Didja Know: Part II