For Those Grieving

I came across this poem while researching, and I thought it was beautiful. For any parent who is grieving the loss of a child, I hope you find strength in these words. God bless each of you and may you all find peace in 2012. 

~Amber

Please Be Gentle

By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.

The sea I swim in is a lonely one

and the shore seems miles away.

Waves of despair numb my soul

as I struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow.

I want to shout and scream

and repeatedly ask ‘Why?’

At times, my grief overwhelms me

and I weep bitterly,

so great is my loss.

Please don’t turn away

or tell me to move on with my life.

I must embrace my pain

before I can begin to heal.

Companion me through the tears

and sit with me in loving silence.

Honor where I am in the journey,

not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story,

I may need to tell it over and over again.

It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.

Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.

A small flame still burns within my heart,

and shared memories may trigger

both laughter and tears.

I need your support and understanding.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I must find my own path.

Please, will you walk beside me?

For Those Grieving

Parents of Premature Babies Unite to Increase Awareness - kcentv.com - KCEN HD - Waco, Temple, and Killeen

On The News & A few pictures from the event 10/1/11.

Parents of Premature Babies Unite to Increase Awareness - kcentv.com - KCEN HD - Waco, Temple, and Killeen

Parents of Premature Babies Unite to Increase Awareness - kcentv.com - KCEN HD - Waco, Temple, and Killeen

When a Parent is Grieving the Loss of a Child

The parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful relationships a person will ever experience. Parents who have lost a child will often feel that a part of them has died. The despair and pain that follow a child’s death is thought by many to exceed all other experiences. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children and no parent is prepared for a child’s death.

The length of a child's life does not determine the size of the loss. Parents are intimately involved in the daily lives of young children, and their child’s death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving an enormous emptiness. Parents may be less involved in the everyday lives of older children and adolescents, but death at this age occurs just when children are beginning to reach their potential and become independent individuals. When an adult child dies, parents not only lose a child, but often a close friend, a link to grandchildren, and an irreplaceable source of emotional and practical support. Parents who lose an only child also lose their identity as parents, and perhaps the possibility of grandchildren.

When any child dies, parents grieve the loss of possibilities and all of the hopes and dreams they had for their child. They grieve the potential that will never be realized and the experiences they will never share. When a child dies, a part of the future dies along with them.

Common grief reactions

Grief reactions following the death of a child are similar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and last longer. Parents commonly experience the following grief reactions:

• Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial ~ even if the child's death was expected


• Overwhelming sadness and despair, so bad that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible


• Extreme guilt ~ some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child's protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently


• Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled


• Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting their surviving children


• Feelings of resentment toward parents with healthy children


• Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join the deceased child


• Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs ~ assumptions about the world and how things should be do not fit with the reality of a child's death


• Dreaming about the child or feeling the child's presence nearby


• Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people—parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others and that no one can truly understand how they feel

Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year, but this is not true. The initial severe reactions are not experienced continuously with such intensity but rather with periods of intense grief that come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain.

Developmental milestones in the lives of other children can trigger emotions of grief even years after a child's death. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common grief triggers. Parents frequently find themselves thinking about how old their child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if he or she were still alive.

 Differences in grieving between mother and father

Mothers and fathers may grieve in different ways. One parent may find talking helps, while the other may need quiet time to grieve alone. Cultural expectations and role differences also affect how men and women grieve. Men are often expected to control their emotions, to be strong, and to take charge of the family. Women may be expected to cry openly and to want to talk about their grief. A working father may become more involved in his job to escape the sadness and daily reminders at home. A stay-at-home mother may be surrounded by constant reminders and may feel she lacks a purpose now that her job as caregiver has abruptly ended. This is especially true for a parent who spent months or even years caring for a child with cancer.

Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that a lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less. It is important for parents to talk openly about their grief and for each parent to understand and accept the other's coping style.

Helping siblings who are grieving

Parents are the focus of attention when a child dies and the grief of siblings is sometimes overlooked. The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss for a child ~ they lose a family member, a confidant, and a life-long friend. Parents are often preoccupied with the needs of a sick child and then become overwhelmed with their own grief when the child dies. The surviving siblings may misinterpret the parents’ grief as a message that they are not as valued as much as the child who died. Parents may be able to help siblings during this time of grief by:

• Making grief a shared family experience and including children in discussions about memorial plans.


• Spending as much time as possible with the surviving children, such as talking about the deceased child, just playing together, or doing something enjoyable.


• Making sure siblings understand that they are not responsible for the child's death and help them let go of regrets and guilt.


• Never compare siblings to the deceased child and make sure children know that you don't expect them to “fill in” for the deceased child.


• Set reasonable limits on their behavior, but try not to be either overprotective or overly permissive. It is normal to feel protective of surviving children.


• Ask a close family member or friend to spend extra time with siblings if your own grief prevents you from giving them the attention they need.

Helping yourself grieve

As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. Some parents have found the following suggestions helpful while grieving:

• Talk about your child often and use his or her name.


• Ask family and friends for help with housework, errands, and taking care of other children. This will give you important time to think, remember, and grieve.


• Take time deciding what to do with your child's belongings ~ don't rush to pack up your child's room or to give away toys and clothes.


• Prepare ahead of time for how to respond to difficult questions like "How many children do you have?" or comments like "At least you have other children."Remember that people aren't trying to hurt you, rather they just don't know what to say.


• Prepare for how you want to spend significant days, such as your child's birthday or the anniversary of your child’s death. You may want to spend the day looking at photos and sharing memories or start a family tradition such as planting flowers.


• Because of the intensity and isolation of parental grief, parents may especially benefit from a support group where they can share their experiences with other parents who understand their grief and can offer hope.

Finding the meaning of life

• Parents report that they never really “get over” the death of a child, but rather learn to live with the loss. The death of a child may compel parents to rethink their priorities and reexamine the meaning of life. It may seem impossible to newly grieving parents, but parents do go on to find happiness and reinvest in life again. An important step for many parents is to create a legacy for their child Parents may choose to honor their child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization. Or, parents may work to support interests their child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in their child’s memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to the deceased child to re-engage in life and to find pleasure in new experiences.

• Every child changes the lives of his or her parents. Children show us new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways look to at the world. A part of each child’s legacy is that the changes he or she brings to a family continue after the child's death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be part of you.

When a Parent is Grieving the Loss of a Child

A Homecoming With Only 1 Twin

Tiny feet

That should be taking baby steps

Instead left

Giant Footprints

Embedded in my heart.

Matching Feet

Now walking, take their baby steps

Alone.

They should have walked together

But only one will blaze a trail

His trailhead marked by

Giant Footprints

Left there by his stillborn twin, 

Buried wombmate memories that linger deep within.

-By Elizabeth A. Pector M.D.

I write this blog post not from being in the shoes of a parent who has faced this tragedy. I have identical twin girls, who were born prematurely, but are now 21 months old. They are healthy and living life together here and now. However, since I am a mom of twins, I do share that perspective with moms who have lost a twin. I share how it feels to grow 2 babies, how if feels to deliver 2 babies, to hold 2 babies. I share the feeling of seeing baby A emerge into this world followed shortly behind by baby B. Although, the part of our story that we share may be very short-it is that part of the story that is miraculous. It is a true gift unlike anything else. For any mother of twins...they know what I am talking about.

For this post I have tried to imagine what it might have been like to deal with the birth of 2 babies, the death of 1, and our eventual homecoming with a singleton. That is no easy task. I cried at the thought, but I pulled myself together because this post needed to be written for the moms out there who have been given this reality. We have a handful of members who it has happened to and there are countless others who exist. At first I wanted to write this post to give you resources, coping mechanisms, and stress relievers. However, when I sat down the thought of that last sentence sounded shallow and cold. I am not saying that all three of those things are not necessities, I just feel that being a twin mom myself what I would want more than anything would first be an understanding from others about what my thoughts and feelings were. An understanding to let me be until I was ready for stress relief, coping mechanisms, and resources. Let me sit in my sadness and my joy. Let me sit somewhere in the middle of life and death, because that is exactly where I am. 

I imagine being torn in half and ripped apart, and having to face each day that lay ahead with a precious baby who will no doubt feel my conflicting emotions of joy, anger, and grief on a daily basis. What would help me the most to face each day without my other twin? How would I cope, how could I, do I even want to try and cope? For each mom the answers to those questions will be different and will be dealt with at different times. It depends on so many elements. It depends on your personality type, your faith, your support, your husband, your family, your friends. How they treat the situation. How they help you to keep your lost twin alive. How much you pray. If you seek counseling. If you seek medication. The list is endless, it is ever changing, it is infinite. How you cope will be a battle you face for the rest of your life. It will never go away. You will never be the mom of a singleton, no matter how many people treat you as such.

As one article states, "Going home from the hospital with one baby is perhaps the first time that parents will begin to realize the full extent of what has happened. It can be a lonely mixture of joy and relief and also intense sadness. It can also be a major step along the way to realizing that indeed one of your twins has died. You may find it difficult to understand your conflicting emotions - joy and relief of one twin and a complete sadness and loss of another baby. In addition to your intense grief, you may feel very let down. As a parent expecting twins, you may have been the focus of admiration. Suddenly, the prestige is gone."

One of the most common human reactions to the death of a child is to avoid or underestimate the loss, even if it is unintentional. I hear this often from the moms who are part of our angel group and have experienced a singleton loss. They long to hear their baby's name, for people to ask questions about their baby, for people to keep their memory alive. Yet that does not come naturally for many people. It is uncomfortable for them and so instead of facing that head on many choose to ignore or avoid your loss. It seems the easier road is to just not talk about it and unfortunately by doing that they are only making the pain and healing harder on the parent who is actually experiencing the loss. For a parent who loses a twin I imagine this experience with others to be even worse. After all at least when you have twins you still have a baby who will smile, laugh, and make it even easier for the passerby, friend, or family member to act as though every thing is okay. You are doing okay. After all you have to be happy...you are a new mom! 

For me in my imaginary tragedy, I think the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that my twin, who is alive on this earth with me, is also in some way feeling the loss that I am. I know that is is very different but it does exist. I am comforted in knowing that we will share that loss forever. It will never go away for either of us. I will always be a twin mom and my son or daughter will always have a twin sister or brother. That fact would bring me comfort. They were in my womb together sharing the tightest of living quarters, sharing food, sharing oxygen, growing together, sharing me for months. The three of us. They feel the loss too. I know full well that if my twin girls did not have each other they would not be the same, they would feel something wasn't right, they would know. So I imagine bonding over the loss with my twin I will share the rest of my life with. Maybe that sounds sad, but it is sad. That is the truth. I have to figure out how I can go on each day and find joy with my twin who is alive, so that they can grow up healthy and loved. If finding joy in our common loss is how I can grieve the loss of my twin and celebrate the life of my living twin then that is my answer...at least for today. I know their grief journey will be a very different one than mine, but I have peace in knowing that my living twin will know of his or her twinship as they grow up. I find comfort in knowing that I will be the one to teach them about twins and their sister or brother, and that one day they....we....will all reunite again in heaven. 

So now for some actual words from parents who have lost a twin: 

I encourage you to read this article where 4 families who have experienced the loss of a twin are interviewed. It is one of the best articles I found when researching for this topic as it explains in depth some of the feelings these parents face first hand. 

Now to the necessary ways to cope:

This is a list compiled from my research, my own past experiences with loss and grief, and from what I have learned from my angel parent friends. Please as always feel free to comment below with more coping techniques.

Read

Research books on amazon, at the book store, or at the library until you find a few that call out to you. The right books have a way of finding you. There are also Internet articles, websites, and blogs devoted to twin loss.

Prayer, church, and visiting with spiritual, supportive, and prayerful people 

Find a face to face support group with people who have similar experiences

Join an online message board or angel group

We have one on facebook just visit the following link and ask to be added to our angel group. This is great for interaction at any time of the day or night with people who can relate.

Find a simple pleasure to enjoy

Like going to Starbucks to get a coffee, finding something on you tube you know will make you laugh, or finding a sitcom that is "light, fluffy, and funny" that you love. Playing a game on your phone, baking, knitting, listening to music, etc.

Don't numb your feelings

Don't numb your emotions by shutting out the world, and denying your pain. Accept your pain, embrace it, feel it, and work through it.

Know this isn't the end

Believe that your child always surrounds you, and though you may not be able to see or hear him, he’s always there, and in your darkest hours, you will feel him or her near.  If you don’t shut them out, your angels, will give you signs, little things to let you know, they are near and haven’t left you. You will see your loved one again one day. Hope, faith, and love, is boundless & important,  in life and in death.

Cry & Laugh 

Both are irreplaceable outlets for emotion 

If you need to seek professional help seek it

There are grief counselors, christian counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists. Do not allow the feelings of others on the subject of professional help to influence your decision to seek help. 

Create a way to remember your child 

One of our angel moms planted a peach tree in her daughter's memory. Find a special song, create a memory book. Attend a memorial gathering once per year - here you will share your loss with others and honor your child's memory. October 15th is a national day for infant and pregnancy loss remembrance day. Find a gathering near you at this website http://www.october15th.com/

Resources on the web

www.climb-support.org

This website is filled with personal stories, inspiration, and more for parents who have experienced a multiples loss of some kind.

http://www.synspectrum.com/articles.html

Articles and lecture handouts on multiple birth, prematurity, loss, and other topics. Written by Elizabeth A. Pector, M.D.

http://www.twinlesstwins.org/HOME.aspx

This website is for twinless twins but has many great articles for grieving parents of twins as well and how to deal with having a twinless twin.

http://wombtwin-survivors.blogspot.com/2011/02/chapter-13-my-child-is-womb-twin.html

This website/blog is devoted to womb twin survivors. This group includes survivors of a stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion, and a vanishing twin pregnancy.

http://www.theapostolateofhannahstears.blogspot.com/

A prayerful christian blog site devoted to child loss, infertility, and adoption.

INSPIRATION 

http://www.northjersey.com/shopping/127647228_Tova_Gold_s_accessories_pay_tribute_to_twin_loss.html

A Homecoming With Only 1 Twin

A Touch Mortal by Leah Clifford

Everyone has choices to make and those surrounding your heart's desires are some of the most difficult choices of all.



Eden honestly never expected to fall for anyone like she fell for Az. He was just so much more than she ever thought possible. He's kind, understanding, soothing, firey & entrancing all at once. It's all golden until he reveals his true nature... and his wings. Az is one of the fallen angels. He constantly struggles with his punishment & Eden is just a part of that struggle.



When Eden has to face a reality without Az, she takes matters into her own hands & gives up her life to the ocean. So begins Eden's perpetual state of limbo in the centuries' old battle for angelic control between heaven & hell. Now she must navigate a new world where she's unsure who she can trust & face the dire magnitude of her decisions. To love or not... if only it were that easy.



I have to say that this was a very interesting book. While I've enjoyed other angelic fiction books that have been written of late, this one seemed to strike a cord with me. It's one thing to fall in love with a fallen angel & another thing entirely to commit suicide over him & be forced into a battle that you have no real knowledge of.



Eden was quite a compelling character. I really felt like I understood her struggles & emotions while she was tossing about in the chaos of her new "life." Intense would be the best way to describe what she was going through & I think Leah Clifford really got that through to the reader without using heavy-handed phrasing. Also, the mythology behind why Eden became what she did & what her place was in the fight was very fascinating.



While at times I felt that this book was overly dramatic (I blame the hormones that are coursing though ALL the characters), it flowed well with the story. Truly, if you're looking for a provocative angelic read, then this is your go to book. Bravo!

A Touch Mortal by Leah Clifford

Knight Angels: Book of Love

Some forces should never be reckoned with. Too bad some people never know when to stop. Jane Taylor, her sister Emily, & their cute neighbor Wes have all grown up together facing personal tragedies that no child should have to deal with at such young ages. Jane & Emily's father died before Jane's very eyes and both girls have never been the same since. Of course being gifted with seeing everyone's death & having to listen to everyone's thoughts (respectively) after said tragedy could definitely throw a kink in your attitude. Wes had the unfortunate instance of being an unwanted child, abandoned with no further indication of his birth-parents. Yet he's sure there was something weird about them because he's been in agonizing pain from major growth spurts all summer long.

Now separately these all seem like weird cases of oddities gone wrong, but when the twin Gordon brothers, doomed angels, show up on campus no one could have predicted the storm that was coming. Their powers bind them all together & their secrets run deeper than any of them truly know. Glenwood High has just become the new battleground between the light & the dark.

Knight Angels started out quite strong. There was variance to the narrators, partially due to the manor of writing & partially due to the rotation of narrators, that allowed the story a different feel. I felt it was a bit much for each character to have their own sections just because of all of the overlapping that seemed to occur. Although each character was sufficiently detailed & elaborated, I felt like I had lost track of my page number & was re-reading a section I had already read.

The drama & implausibility of the plot though drove me nuts. Maybe I am naive & there really are parents out there who are that blase & don't really care to actively parent their children, but I just find that unbelievable in most stories. To me it just seems overly exaggerated to the point that I can't buy into the idea. Unfortunately the annoying dynamics didn't stop there as there were so many overlapping relationships & interactions that I had a tough time keeping up with who was trying to get with whom. Really it just seemed like a glorified dating escapade.

I think the premise of this book is really great. I like the idea of teens with unexplainable, uncontrollable powers that they are struggling with & the impact it has on their lives. However I prefer a more direct approach & Knight Angels just didn't have that for me. As always, don't take just my word for it. Give the book a shot & see what you think.

Knight Angels: Book of Love

Waiting on Wednesday: Crescendo (hush, hush #2)

Waiting on Wednesday recognizes that we as bookies pine for books. This post is about what I am impatiently waiting for right now. It was started by Jill at Breaking the Spine.

This week I'm featuring Crescendo, the exciting sequel to last year's smash hit Hush, Hush. I'm so excited to see where Patch and Nora go from where they left off (talk about a cliffhanger!!) Here's the summary from Goodreads.

Nora should have known her life was far from perfect. Despite starting a relationship with her guardian angel, Patch (who, title aside, can be described anything but angelic), and surviving an attempt on her life, things are not looking up. Patch is starting to pull away and Nora can't figure out if it's for her best interest or if his interest has shifted to her arch-enemy Marcie Millar. Not to mention that Nora is haunted by images of her father and she becomes obsessed with finding out what really happened to him that night he left for Portland and never came home.

The farther Nora delves into the mystery of her father's death, the more she comes to question if her Nephilim blood line has something to do with it as well as why she seems to be in danger more than the average girl. Since Patch isn't answering her questions and seems to be standing in her way, she has to start finding the answers on her own. Relying too heavily on the fact that she has a guardian angel puts Nora at risk again and again. But can she really count on Patch or is he hiding secrets darker than she can even imagine?

Doesn't that just sound awesome?! I mean: hot angels, a mysterious death, and conflicted emotions?! What more could be packed into the 352 pages? If this one is as good as the first, then I will be extremely fulfilled. :D Make sure to check out my thoughts on Hush, Hush before picking this one up though.

Waiting on Wednesday: Crescendo (hush, hush #2)

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

Nora Grey is your average teenage girl. She is hanging out with friends, worried about college, and just generally shuffling through life. That is until her teacher decides it's time to switch lab partners and Nora gets stuck with the sketchy new kid Patch.

Patch is one of those guys that everyone warns you about. He's well-built, good-looking, mysterious, and rugged. Every word out of his mouth has a double-entendre that no one can miss and he just loves teasing his new lab partner. While Nora decides that she can put up with him in class, because there's just something about him that pulls her closer, she really doesn't like that he keeps showing up in her after-school life.

Suddenly things start to change. Nora feels like she is being watched and that there is someone messing with her. She practically totals her best friend's car when she hits a black-clad figure in the dark, but when she arrives at her friend's to report the damage, there's nothing there. And that's not all, at the same time that Patch and the mysterious incidents start occurring, two other mysterious boys jump into the picture. They seem a little to eager to be around for Nora's tastes and she doesn't really trust them.

Pretty soon, as the strange occurrences become more frequent and more extreme, Nora starts to piece together what she believes is going on. While she pegs some of the more obvious discrepancies in some stories, she doesn't ever see the whole truth coming. It's just too weird and unbelievable. Unfortunately Nora needs to become a believer quick, fast, and in a hurry or concede defeat and lose her life.

Hush, Hush was an eerie novel. I felt like I was reading the book through a haze that covered most of the story. That's not to say that the writing was off or that it was hard to follow, but Becca Fitzpatrick did a fantastic job of keeping the reader in just enough darkness to continue the intrigue. Nora is a standard "Mary Jane" type of character meaning that isn't anything really standout special about her, except that another nain character has taken an interest in her.

Patch in very captivating. Everything from his physical description (yay for well-built guys with scars) to his witty replies all feed into his special abilities. He's not only a charmer in the regular world, but he is also a mind controller. This ability fit in so well with his personality that it was almost too perfect.

The story was a little choppy at parts because that's what happens when you are dealing with angelic or really any kind of lore. It became cumbersome occasionally when you had to try to determine why something was possible or where it was coming from. And while I enjoyed the fact that there was an exterior antagonist, I really thought that Nora could have been a bit stronger and really done some more personal exploration. Overall though the story was quite fascinating and a wonderful read.

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick